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Sunday, October 21, 2007

K-Ro Is Brilliant

"Where have you been?" K-Ro said, half worried and half scolding. The same words spoken by any other would have resulted in at least a severe dressing down, but from K-Ro it was easy to recognize the true feeling of concern behind the inquiry.

"You had me worried to death," he continued, "You can't call? How can I know you aren't hurt, or being raped?"

"I had to do some thinking. This Vick story goes deeper than we ever imagined," I said.

"Always with the work!" K-Ro snapped, "You should eat something. I made muffins." So that was the heavenly aroma I had detected. K-Ro's abilities in the kitchen are rivalled only by his almost comically evil contempt for civil liberties.

"I almost forgot," he added, "Tiger Woods called while you were out. He's having trouble with his swing and wanted your advice."

"Was it Tiger or a representative of his?" I asked. My concern was that Tiger's wife, Elin, who had been sending me notes and emails seeking some sort of liason between us, might have been trying to use the pretense of a meeting with Tiger to meet with me.

"It was Tiger," he replied, "I spoke with him myself."

"Set it up," I ordered. The pressures of the day were starting to wear on me, and I knew I could use the diversion. I had heard that Tiger had was an exceptional athlete, and knew he had potential. An hour with me could transform that potential into championships.

"Bring my Louisville Slugger," I ordered.

"Your what, sir?" K-Ro asked.

"You know, my baseball bat," I said.

"Why, sir, if you don't mind me asking?" K-Ro said.

"How dare you question me!" I snapped, "But if you must know, how do you expect me to counsel Tiger Woods on his swing if I don't warm up my own swing first?" K-Ro looked perplexed.

"Begging your pardon sir, but Mr. Woods competes in golf, not baseball," K-Ro informed me. I looked at him for a long time without speaking. Suddenly I was furious with K-Ro. How could he embarrass me like this?

"Don't you think I realize that, you fool?" I screamed, slapping him across the round cheek. Poor K-Ro fell to the floor cowering, his arms raised to shield his face from further attacks. His pitiful sobs finally penetrated my fury.

"Oh my poor, poor K-Ro," I cried, "Forgive me my tiny round friend!" I enveloped my friend and servant with my thick arms, pulling his sobbing head into the comfort of my vast chest. There he remained for a few tender moments, his low, almost silent sobs only interrupted by intermittent uncontrollable shuddering. He finally looked up at me, his wide eyes still shiny with tears, and sniffled loudly.

"What is wrong, sir?" he asked, "Something is bothering you." I was genuinely touched. This pathetic creature, whom I had just attacked with the ferocity I usually reserve for immigrants and activists, was more concerned with my well-being than for his own. Abashed, I quickly stood, dropping his dear head from my arms heavily onto the floor.

"Oh poor K-Ro," I said, "Poor, pathetic, disgusting, fat, bald, poor K-Ro, how could I strike thee? It is my own confusion that has led to your undeserved punishment. I am unsure of what course to take in the pursuit of this story, which I am sure is to be the Greatest Story Ever Written!"

"You need to take a break, sir," K-Ro said, soothingly, "Visit with Tiger Woods, help him with his swing, and then revisit this dilemma. Maybe then you'll see the answers you're too close to see now." I knew my friend was right. Man, this guy was good. Not just good. K-Ro is brilliant. I extended a powerful arm toward his pathetic figure, and he smiled. I had a surprise for Tiger, something that would serve as the final piece in the puzzle of his own personal quest for the perfect golf swing.

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