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Monday, November 26, 2007

Call Me K-Ro

"Governor Schwarzenegger?"

"Yes, sweetheart."

"Karl Rove is here to see you."

"Send him in, dollface."

K-Ro entered the governor's office, looking greatly unimpressed, and walked abruptly across the room to the gold-encrusted desk behind which the former thespian sat, eating poached condor eggs and washing them down with Tim Robbins' tears. The governor stood and extended a hand.

"Karl! It's great to see you. What brings you to my kingdom?"

"Hello, Arnold," K-Ro said, shaking his hand, "I've been down in LA."

"The old hunting grounds," Arnold said, "I've been thinking about getting back there myself, maybe giving that Kardashian chick a test drive. I've heard good things, and Maria looks more and more like 'Ghost Rider' every day."

"So, Karl, old friend, what can I do for you?" he added.

"What do you know about what happened at the Vick place?" K-Ro asked.

"I lost a lot of friends there," Arnold said, "All over some stinking animals."

"You don't like dogs?"

"I'll tell you what I like," Arnold said, "I like large-breasted women and foul-smelling cheeses. I like dark, sour Ukranian beer and heavily salted sun-dried meats. I like snuff films featuring donkeys and pre-pubescent Asian boys and watching monkeys have sex and throw their feces on Animal Planet," and then he paused, looking deeply, seriously, coldly into K-Ro's eyes, "But I hate, I mean I absolutely despise dogs."

"What about cats?" K-Ro asked.

"Cats are all right," Arnold said.

"What if I told you there is evidence that could implicate the government in the explosions?" K-Ro asked.

"Karl, Karl," Arnold said, "That is ludicrous. Why would the government be involved?"

"I don't believe the government is involved," K-Ro said, "I think someone is trying to set the president up to take the fall."


"You tell me," K-Ro said, matter-of -factly. Arnold froze.

"Why would I know...,"he began, but before he could finish K-Ro reached out and grabbed him by the hair, pulling his head down viciously and smashing his face into the gold-encrusted desk. Arnold fell back into his chair and looked up at K-Ro, dazed and bloodied. At first it appeared that he had lost a tooth in the attack, but K-Ro realized it was just the gap in his teeth. That famous gap.

"Who is behind this deception?" K-Ro demanded.

"Karl, of course I don't know!" Arnold pleaded. K-Ro slapped him hard across the face.

"Who is behind this deception!" he screamed, slapping him again.

"Please, no more!" Arnold begged, "They'll kill me if I talk!" K-Ro reached for his iPhone.

"What do you think I'll do?" he said, setting the iPhone to "kill."

"Wait," Arnold cried, "I'll tell you." He went limp in the chair, his body moved only by deep sobs.

"It was Oprah," he finally admitted. K-Ro tried to mask the alarm that he knew his face revealed, but Arnold was too busy sobbing to notice. Finally he looked at K-Ro.

"How did you know?" he asked.

"The poodle with the state seal on his collar I gave you as an inaugural gift?" K-Ro said, "I saw his tiny lifeless body at the Vick mansion. You killed him. Had I only known you hated dogs."

"I'm sorry, Karl," Arnold cried.

"Call me K-Ro," K-Ro said, and walked out the door.

A Craving For Chocolate

The applause was deafening, and as I made my way onto the stage I found it necessary to evade the storm of undergarments and roses falling all around me. Several women on the front row were overcome by the emotions brought forth from witnessing first hand my raw and fierce sexuality and had to be carted off to safety. An unscheduled commercial break was ordered when Oprah herself had to be excused so she could change into a fresh pair of panties. I could only chuckle when Stephen King was brought on stage to join me and the thunder died to a much more subdued, polite smattering.

"So, are you two related in any way?" Oprah asked, getting the interview underway.

"No, ma'am," I said, "My name is only a psuedonym. If my true identity is revealed, the nation could find itself in grave danger. Plus, my parents don't want to be bothered by paparazzi."

"Where does the name 'Fisherking' come from?" she asked.

"I studied bass fishing at university. After being drafted number one overall into the professional bass fishing tour, and winning league MVP three straight years, I was forced to retire due to injuries. Plus, I wake up most mornings to a 'fishy' smell."

"Amazing," she said, "What sort of injuries forced your retirement?"

"I have 'bass elbow'," I said.

"Ouch," she said, and turned to Stephen King, "Tell me, Stephen, what brings you here?"

"Um, well, I was told my book made it into your book club," Stephen said.

"Ooh, really?" she said, "What's it about?"

"Oh, you haven't read it?" he asked, perplexed, "Well, let's see, it's really scary. It has Indian burial grounds and vampires and, um, pit bulls and Freddy Krueger and black people, and, um, what else is scary? Um, let's see, there are Mexicans and..."

"Really great," Oprah said, "Now Fisherking, what are you doing later on tonight?"

"Now wait a minute!" Stephen said angrily, "It's my turn! You already talked to him. I'm Stephen King! I'm one of the most successful authors of all time!"

"Yeah, you're really good," I said, "Loved Maximum Overdrive, by the way. And you were great as 'Skippy' on Family Ties."

"Screw you!" he said, "What have you even done?"

"I wrote an episode of The Cosby Show that convinced Keith Richards to give up drugs," I said, "And I wrote Anna Nicole Smith's obituary six month's before she died."

"Really?" Oprah asked.

"Yeah," I said, "I just had to change the name from Britney Spears to Anna Nicole, but the rest happened pretty much just how I wrote it."

"Amazing," she said.

"I have to admit, that is pretty cool," Stephen said, "And, at the risk of sounding gay, you're a stunningly attractive fellow."

"Thanks bro," I said, "I can't lie to you and say you're not hideously unbearable to look at, but your writing doesn't suck too bad."

"Fair enough," he said. The audience let loose a collective and tender sigh, then burst into applause.

"We'll be back after these messages," Oprah said to the camera before turning to me.

"Do you have dinner plans for tonight?" she asked.

"None," I said, "But I have a craving for chocolate."

Friday, November 23, 2007

Damn That Stephen King

And so the world could now see that there is a standard somewhere on the outer reaches of human grasp, beyond perfection and even the realm of the gods, where I, the Fisherking, could be counted as the lone denizen. And from this metaphorical mountaintop I would peer down across the vast landscape of the kingdom that I now ruled, and cast my judgement upon my inferior subjects in the form of the artistic renderings that had now attained the highest level of acclaim and critical platitudes that accompanied my entry into Oprah's Book Club. It was party time.

"Ooh, K-Ro," I said, "Call Vince Vaughn and see if he'll come to the party!"

"Vince Vaughn is dead, sir," K-Ro said, "He was killed in the explosion at the Vick mansion."

"What about Jeremy Piven?"


"Jodie Foster?"


"Tobey Maguire?"


"Adrian Grenier?"


"Dammit, K-Ro!" I snapped, "What the hell am I paying you for? Adrian Grenier? You know, the kid from those Mac commercials?"

"Oh right," K-Ro said, "I believe he's going to Stephen King's party." Damn that Stephen King. Furious, I hurled my laptop across the room toward K-Ro, but he, being a former ballet dancer, lithely dodged the impending threat and it shattered against the wall.

"Sir!" K-Ro screamed, "That laptop held all your notes for the Vick story!"

"Damn the Vick story!" I yelled, picking up the broken laptop and flinging it once again at K-Ro only to watch as he pirouetted to safety.

"Damn Stephen King, damn Adrian Grenier, and damn you, K-Ro!" K-Ro held a perfect cinquieme as his face melted in pained sorrow.

"Please don't say that, sir," he pleaded, "Have you forgotten the Vick story? It was to be the greatest story ever written."

"Don't you understand, K-Ro? I've been selected into the Oprah Book Club! Oprah! Apparently, the greatest story ever written has already been written, and I wrote it!"

"Yeah, you or Stephen King," was his tart response.

"Ouch, bro," I said. But the damage was done. In all my life I have never suffered an attack so vicious, and I wasn't about to start. If K-Ro couldn't recognize the importance of such an honor bestowed as inshrinement in the Oprah Winfrey Book Club, then our relationship could carry forth no longer.

"You're fired, my once-faithful friend," I whispered, my back turned to the traitor.

"It's been an honor, sir," K-Ro said before gathering the broken laptop and exiting the room, leaving behind only a trail of tears. I stood for a moment gathering my thoughts, and my attention turned once again to the night's impending celebration.

"Danica!" I yelled. A moment later my driver appeared.

"Yes, sir?"

"Call Ryan Seacrest."

"He's dead."

"Tommy Lee?"



"I think we can get him."

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

They Got Screech!

The relentless juggernaut of my intellect pushed onward searching for answers to the mystery unfolding before me. Clues sprang forth like gnats, dancing teasingly beyond the reach of my considerable grasp. Sitting alone in the study, I rubbed my elegantly beefy forefinger across the arm of my chair, drawing a thick, mucousy glob of strawberry jam onto my fingertip and inserting it hungrily into my mouth. From the master bedroom I could hear K-Ro grunting and moaning as he made enthusiastic love to Danica, and she, reaching climax, calling out my name. Suddenly, the fiercely intelligent entomological hunter that is my mind captured one of the metaphorical insects, and I closed my eyes so that it could reveal the truth it concealed.

"Turn on the TV!" K-Ro screamed as he burst naked through the door, shattering my concentration and allowing the insect to escape my grasp. The suddenness of his entrance, combined with my broken concentration and his naturalistic state, rendered me momentarily confused.

"Good Lord, K-Ro," I finally said, "Is that your penis?"

"Why yes," he replied, looking down, "That's Tricky Dick. He appears to be spent."

"He hardly appears at all." The pun was not intended, but appropriate.

"Nonetheless, sir, you must turn on the television," he continued, "There's been a tragedy."

I immediately switched on the TV and turned it to CNN. The scene was unimaginable. The flashing lights of emergency vehicles cast a sinister glow on the grounds of the Vick mansion that was darkened by the shadows of the thick plumes of smoke roiling upward and obscuring the bright California sun. Anderson Cooper appeared shattered and heartbroken as he read the names of the hundreds of celebrities who were killed in the bombs that struck the gathering outside the gates of the mansion. I sat dumbfounded and speechless. I could hear Danica softly weeping in the bedroom and I finally turned away from the screen, appalled, and looked at K-Ro.

"Put on some pants, will ya?" I said, my voice cracking.

For the next several hours K-Ro, Danica and I sat watching the news reports coming from the scene of the insidious crime. The death toll was shocking and extraordinary. It was a total loss.

"Oh my God!" K-Ro wept, "They got Screech!"

"Turn it off!" Danica pleaded. I flipped from channel to channel, only to find more accounts of the tragedy. Finally I stopped. Oprah was announcing her newest book club choice. The lights in her studio went dim and Michael Buffer strode to the stage carrying a microphone.

"And now, the newest addition to the Oprah Winfrey Book Club is...How to Hang Out and Screw Hot Chicks by Fisherking!"

I couldn't believe it. Having won the National Book Award for my previous novels, Intimate Moments and the Men Who Lie About Them and Bulls on Parade: The Rosie O'Donnell Story, I thought that I had attained the highest levels of achievement in my professional life. But this was different. This was Oprah.

"Come on, you guys!" I said, trying to conceal my glee, "We're gonna be on Oprah!"

"But what about the story?" K-Ro asked.

"Who cares," I said, "We're gonna be on Oprah!"

"And," Michael Buffer continued on the television, "For the first time, Oprah has added a second book to her club, Stephen King's This Time it Really is Scary, I Promise!"

"What the...?" I said.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Give It A Go

"By the end of the third or fourth day all the meat had rotted, leaving the room awash in an aroma reminiscent of a Khmer Rouge killing field, and leaving us with only our own bodies with which to satiate our hungers. Oh, the energies we expelled. The sweat! Late that afternoon a pig, probably having escaped from the farm down the road, wandered into the yard. Ashley, half-crazed and hollow-eyed, managed to work her tiny frame through a window above the kitchen sink and ambushed the swine from above, smothering it with her vintage poncho that had hosted her in their deflowering."

"Who wants punch?" K-Ro asked as he walked into the study carrying a refreshment tray. Upon seeing K-Ro enter the room, Tiger Woods leapt to his feet and quickly moved to the restroom, without excusing himself.

"What did I say?" K-Ro asked, sounding hurt.

"Who knows," I said, "I was just regaling him with a recount of the retreat I took with the Olsen twins in celebration of their eighteenth birthday."

Tiger returned looking so pale that I mistook him at first for a very tall Jet Li.

"Tiger, are you okay bro?" I asked.

"Just, um, a bug or something," he said, sounding unsure. I turned to K-Ro and nodded. He nodded back and quickly exited the study, only to return a moment later carrying a dozen plaster recreations of cuddly, white baby seals, which he lined up neatly across the floor in front of us. Tiger looked on with a quizzical expression. Noticing his puzzled look, I patted him on the shoulder.

"When I was a young man at university," I explained, "I spent my summers with my Uncle Perciforth, who was not really my uncle, but whom I had met as a child when I worked part-time in his veterinary clinic, where I assisted in shaving various pet parts and cleaning bed pans. Uncle Perciforth left the veterinary business after a particularly nasty clawing from a yeast infected iguana. He set forth into the vast arctic wilderness where he made his living guiding Asian businessmen on baby seal clubbing safaris." I paused for a moment, studying Tiger, reading his reaction. He simply stared back silently. He appeared not to breathe.

"It was during these summers that I perfected my swing," I went on, "You cannot possibly imagine the technical perfection required to part a baby seal's head from it's cute, cuddly body. Those little guys are tougher than they look." I extended an arm to K-Ro, who handed me a driver, which I gave to Tiger.

"Go ahead," I said, motioning at the plaster baby seals, "Give it a go." Tiger shook his head vigorously, his eyes never leaving mine. I simply stared back sternly, and gestured toward the plaster baby seals again.

"Give it a go," I repeated.

Tiger, somewhat reluctantly, took the club from my hand and slowly moved in front of the first baby seal. There he stood for an eternity, concentrating, removing all distractions from his thoughts. Then he began his backswing, his eyes never leaving the baby seal, and he let her rip. As he swung through, the baby seal head flew against the wall and the strawberry jam that K-Ro had filled it with exploded throughout the room, covering the three of us with fake baby seal blood.

"Woohoo!" Tiger yelled, pumping his fist.

"Hole in one!" screamed K-Ro. Tiger beamed wildly, his smile lighting the room. He extended a gracious hand.

"Thank you, sir," He said, and he looked back at the remaining plaster baby seals.

"No problem, bro," I said, and then gestured at the remaining plaster baby seals, "Go ahead."

And with that Tiger turned back to the row of plaster baby seals, covering the room with more and more strawberry jam and filling us all with joy.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

K-Ro Is Brilliant

"Where have you been?" K-Ro said, half worried and half scolding. The same words spoken by any other would have resulted in at least a severe dressing down, but from K-Ro it was easy to recognize the true feeling of concern behind the inquiry.

"You had me worried to death," he continued, "You can't call? How can I know you aren't hurt, or being raped?"

"I had to do some thinking. This Vick story goes deeper than we ever imagined," I said.

"Always with the work!" K-Ro snapped, "You should eat something. I made muffins." So that was the heavenly aroma I had detected. K-Ro's abilities in the kitchen are rivalled only by his almost comically evil contempt for civil liberties.

"I almost forgot," he added, "Tiger Woods called while you were out. He's having trouble with his swing and wanted your advice."

"Was it Tiger or a representative of his?" I asked. My concern was that Tiger's wife, Elin, who had been sending me notes and emails seeking some sort of liason between us, might have been trying to use the pretense of a meeting with Tiger to meet with me.

"It was Tiger," he replied, "I spoke with him myself."

"Set it up," I ordered. The pressures of the day were starting to wear on me, and I knew I could use the diversion. I had heard that Tiger had was an exceptional athlete, and knew he had potential. An hour with me could transform that potential into championships.

"Bring my Louisville Slugger," I ordered.

"Your what, sir?" K-Ro asked.

"You know, my baseball bat," I said.

"Why, sir, if you don't mind me asking?" K-Ro said.

"How dare you question me!" I snapped, "But if you must know, how do you expect me to counsel Tiger Woods on his swing if I don't warm up my own swing first?" K-Ro looked perplexed.

"Begging your pardon sir, but Mr. Woods competes in golf, not baseball," K-Ro informed me. I looked at him for a long time without speaking. Suddenly I was furious with K-Ro. How could he embarrass me like this?

"Don't you think I realize that, you fool?" I screamed, slapping him across the round cheek. Poor K-Ro fell to the floor cowering, his arms raised to shield his face from further attacks. His pitiful sobs finally penetrated my fury.

"Oh my poor, poor K-Ro," I cried, "Forgive me my tiny round friend!" I enveloped my friend and servant with my thick arms, pulling his sobbing head into the comfort of my vast chest. There he remained for a few tender moments, his low, almost silent sobs only interrupted by intermittent uncontrollable shuddering. He finally looked up at me, his wide eyes still shiny with tears, and sniffled loudly.

"What is wrong, sir?" he asked, "Something is bothering you." I was genuinely touched. This pathetic creature, whom I had just attacked with the ferocity I usually reserve for immigrants and activists, was more concerned with my well-being than for his own. Abashed, I quickly stood, dropping his dear head from my arms heavily onto the floor.

"Oh poor K-Ro," I said, "Poor, pathetic, disgusting, fat, bald, poor K-Ro, how could I strike thee? It is my own confusion that has led to your undeserved punishment. I am unsure of what course to take in the pursuit of this story, which I am sure is to be the Greatest Story Ever Written!"

"You need to take a break, sir," K-Ro said, soothingly, "Visit with Tiger Woods, help him with his swing, and then revisit this dilemma. Maybe then you'll see the answers you're too close to see now." I knew my friend was right. Man, this guy was good. Not just good. K-Ro is brilliant. I extended a powerful arm toward his pathetic figure, and he smiled. I had a surprise for Tiger, something that would serve as the final piece in the puzzle of his own personal quest for the perfect golf swing.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Room 69

"Stop here," I said softly as Danica pulled up in front of a dingy apartment complex. It was the very apartment complex where Bruce Willis' character lived in Pulp Fiction. My buddy Bill Clinton keeps a secret pad there for his frequent weekend excursions, leased under the name, Ron Mexico. I needed some advice, or maybe just a kindred spirit to help me understand the path I needed to follow to discover the truth behind the Vick scandal. K-Ro slept comfortably in the back of the limo, so I was careful not to wake him, as he disapproved of my relationship with Bill, although, as I've often tried to explain to him, we've been friends a long time.

"Take the little guy back to the hotel," I ordered, "I'll call you later."

"Yes, sir," Danica obeyed, struggling to maintain a professional demeanor while ignoring her deep, consuming love for me. We both knew better than to embark on such an affair, due to our working relationship and her dark, thin mustache.

I had to fight to resist the urge to grab a handful of pudgy cheek as I took a last look at K-Ro, peacefully slumbering with a mouthful of thumb and still wearing the "People Don't Kill Dogs, Mike Vick Does" t-shirt. The little fella's such a cutie!

As the limo pulled away from the curb, I approached room number 69 (Bill may have been a Rhodes' Scholar, but his sense of humor is decidedly low-brow) and knocked three times. The moment my fist struck the door the third time, it swung open wildly. Bill stood looking at me wide-eyed, wearing only a pink silken bathrobe over yellowed briefs and black socks. His left nipple was red and swollen and impaled with what appeared to be a comically oversized clothespin. Above the nipple was a tattoo of Tupac Shakur, his face flushed by the infection.

"GK!" he exclaimed. Bill Clinton is the only person I've ever met, including my parents, who doesn't address me as "Sir." He began calling me GK after a particularly late night in the King's Cross district of Sydney. The prostitute he had met, a pudgy older girl named Yvette, had passed out cold in the street at the entrance to her building, and Bill talked me into carrying her over my shoulder up the two flights of stairs to her door. Although completely naked, I happily agreed, and as Bill followed us up the steps, he couldn't help but notice the sinewy musculature and perfect symmetry of my calves. GK stands for "God-like Calves." Apparently, one doesn't need to pass a spelling test to become a Rhodes' Scholar either.

"Billy Boy!" I said.

"Come on in here, bro," he said, "Have a seat on the couch." We both made our way to the couch and sat down. A huge bong stood like a monument on the coffee table.

"What're ya'll doin here in Angel City?" Bill asked.

"Working, bro," I said, "What do you make of this Vick story?"

"Yo, yo, that nigga was set up, g!" He sounded agitated. It's well known that he and Vick are close. Suddenly I saw a figure from the corner of my eye, and was startled briefly before I recognized Whitney Houston emerge from the bathroom, wearing nothing but an Arkansas Razorbacks t-shirt. She walked across the room and sat heavily between us.

"Ya'll mind if I smoke this crack in here?" she asked without saying hello. I felt a little awkward.

"Where'd you get that crack?" Bill asked.

"I got it from a white guy," she explained.

"Long as it ain't none of that ghetto shit," Bill said, "That shit's bad for you."

"Um, so, Billy Boy," I said, "You guys need your privacy?"

"No, no bro," he laughed, "It's just these bitches, yo."

"What do you mean, Vick was set up?" I asked.

"Yo, check this," he said, standing, "Remember when that shit went down with that white girl in the White House and all that shit. I dropped a couple bombs on Iraq, g, and that shit, like, went away and shit. Shit."

I got it. I finally understood. Vick was innocent. He really was being set up. Michael Vick was a decoy, a means to divert the attention of the American public from something more important. But what? What did we need to ignore? I vaguely remembered a conversation K-Ro and I had earlier that day. Something about a war.

"I've got to go," I said, standing.

"I'll walk you out, GK," Bill said.

We walked outside and Bill shut the door behind him. He seemed happy.

"Thanks for everything," I said, "How's Hillary?"

"She's great, bro," he said.

"What's with the tattoo?" I asked.

"We did peyote last night," he said, "That's some wild shit."

We shook hands and Bill disappeared back into room 69. I sent a telepathic message through my iPhone to Danica. We had work to do.

Monday, October 15, 2007

More Questions

The scene outside the Vick mansion was utter chaos. Mournful cries and shouts of horrified bewilderment rang throughout the compound, echoing across the throngs of news crews and onlookers, a sight seldom seen in our fair country, aside from any time a white, young, cute and white mother goes missing. I turned to K-Ro, who stood teary eyed and shaken, and realized suddenly that something had been amiss since the tragic beginnings of this horrifying story. A young woman standing near me collapsed into my arms, overcome by grief.

"Miss," I said, "Are you okay?" She slowly opened her eyes and noticed me holding her.

"Oh my goodness," she sniffled, "I'm a huge fan. Could you sign my breast?"

"Of course."

"Make it out to Monica," she said, and suddenly I was overcome with the feeling that we were in extreme danger. I quickly scribbled a two paragraph greeting on her substantial mammary and searched for K-Ro, who was gently swaying arm in arm between Ted Nugent and Larry Craig, who softly sang "Fire and Rain."

"Keep it above the waist, Craig," K-Ro said as I approached.

"Come on, bro," I told K-Ro, "We need to get out of here."

"Yes sir."

We slowly made our way through the crowd, stopping frequently for autograph requests and to offer awkward excuses why I haven't called. At the edge of the gathering we stopped at a vendor selling bottled water and "People Don't Kill Dogs, Mike Vick Does" t-shirts.

"Gimme a water," I ordered.

"Can I get a t-shirt?" K-Ro asked, "Look, it says "Free Paris" on the back!"

"Sure, bro," But I wasn't really listening, as I was telepathically receiving news reports directly to my brain waves via my iPhone. Every network was reporting live from the Vick mansion; CNN was calling it the greatest gathering of celebrities in the history of mankind. The eyes of the country, no, the world, were cast upon us. But I couldn't shake the feeling that we were all in danger. Something was being overlooked.

"Hey K-Ro," I said, "Who won the war?"

"What war?" He asked.

"You know, Iraq. Or was it Afghanistan? Maybe Iran." I said.

"We won that years ago," He said, "Remember that whole "Mission Accomplished" thing? That was my idea. Wait, maybe that was the war on drugs. Or illegal immigration. I don't remember. How do I look?" He had slipped the t-shirt over his suit. He looked pretty good.

"Good, bro. Call Danica. We need to get outta here."

"Yes sir."

As Danica drove us back to the hotel, I wondered if we were all being manipulated. Had we really won the war? Why would Mike Vick get back into dog murdering? What does global warming have to do with peace? There were too many unanswered questions.

"Didn't Rambo fight for Afghanistan?" K-Ro asked.

More questions.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Go Time

The following is a series of eyewitness accounts taken at the scene from the Vick mansion, where 5,000 toy poodle, and one labradoodle, carcasses were discovered this morning. What you're about to hear is not for the faint of heart.

Karl Rove (K-Ro): "In all my years in politics and public service, I have never witnessed such useless carnage and brutality. It looked like someone gave Dick Cheney an automatic weapon on the first day of dove season, only instead of his friends, it was tiny dogs that were shot."

Paris Hilton: "Tinkerbell? Tinkerbell?"

Mel Gibson: "I think the exact number of deaths has been greatly exaggerated. I'm not saying the doglocaust didn't happen, but does anyone absolutely know the real story?"

President Bush: "The media tends to focus on the negative aspects of this story. If you talk to the dogs on the grounds, you will find that they believe in what they're doing, and progress is being made. What do you mean dogs can't talk? Haven't you ever seen The Family Guy?"

Barack Obama: "I'm not going to say we should or shouldn't take military action against Mr. Vick. This is about dogs, right? You realize I'm the first black candidate to actually have a legitimate shot at the presidency, right? Isn't there a war going on?"

Britney Spears: "I can't believe someone would do this to their dogs. I would never let this kind of thing happen to my two little puppies. Where are my puppies? Has anyone seen my puppies? Oh, they're over playing by the pool, they'll be okay."

O.J. Simpson: "Look, I wasn't even in town last night, okay?"

John Denver: "Dammit, where's my beer? Holy shit, mayday mayday!"

As for myself, I could only stand in horror, my faith in mankind shaken. That someone could be capable of such brutality spoke more about our country's lack of morality than I've ever realized. The story had to be told, and I knew there was more to the story that I would have to discover. My journey was just beginning. I turned to my agent/assistant.


"Yes, sir?"

I didn't even have to say anything more. The look in my eyes told him all he needed to know. It was go time.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Journey Begins

This was the story. I knew this, deep in my soul. It would be the kind of event that, in the proper hands, relayed by the greatest writer this planet, this universe, has ever seen, would shake the moral structure of our great American society, all the way to its foundation. My source at the Los Angeles County Jail, a young starlet I'll only identify by the first name, "Lindsay", who was serving 1000 consecutive one-hour sentences for repeated aggravated driving while overly self-aware, had informed me that LAPD and members of the FBI were currently searching the grounds of a Hollywood Hills mansion owned by former NFL superduperstar Mike Vick, having already uncovered the remains of over 5,000 toy poodles, and one labradoodle. The scene she described was so grotesque that I could not shake the image from my mind, even without having witnessed it.

As we sped toward the mansion, driven by my personal chauffer, Danica, K-Ro and I sat in silence, looking out the windows at this beautiful city as we tried to think of happier things to avert our thoughts from the scenes of suffering we were about to experience.

"Stop the car!" I suddenly shouted, "Bum Fight!!!"

"Oh, hell yeah!" K-Ro exclaimed, instantly cheered.

Two homeless boys stood on the sidewalk, both holding sharp stakes, with a crowd of about fifty more homeless men, women and children encircling them. I walked through the screaming mass of smelliness to the edge of the circle.

"Who's the money on?" I asked the closest dirty bastard. He looked at me like I was insane.

"Ain't got no money,"the dirty bastard said, "but I got this grocery cart full of cans on the Mexican."

"I'll take that bet," I said, "K-Ro!" K-Ro immediately appeared holding out a small ivory box. He opened it for the dirty bastard, revealing a sterling silver crack pipe engraved with the initials GWB. I looked at the fighters.

"Let's get it on!"

It wasn't even close. My guy, a skinny white kid named Billy fought like, well, a Mexican, and poor Jorge never stood a chance. I walked up to Billy and ruffled his hair. He couldn't have been older than 13.

"Nice moves in there, kid," I told him, motioning toward the bloodied and dying Jorge, "You earned this." And I tossed him the sterling silver crack pipe.

"Thanks, mister!" Billy said, genuinely moved.

"Now I have a little job for you," I told him.

"Anything, sir."

I wrote some instructions on a card and handed it to Billy.

"Take this grocery cart filled with cans to my hotel," I ordered, "The address is on that card, along with some instructions. Give it to the concierge when you arrive and he'll set you up with a bottle of Jack Daniel's"

"Gee, thanks!"

"Now get outta here, you little ragamuffin!" I told Billy. As he pushed the cart down the street I felt a deep sense of satisfaction; I always feel that way when I help those less fortunate. Just then a police cruiser pulled up behind my limo. I stepped over Jorge's lifeless body and walked to the cruiser.

"Wow, sir, I'm a big fan!" the officer said, recognizing me, "I've got a couple of questions: what happened here and can I get an autograph?"

"I have two answers for you, officer: there was a bum fight and yes you can."

"That's awesome," he said, "bum fight you say?"

"Yeah, see that kid over there?" I pointed the pen toward Billy, "He killed that Mexican."

"Ouch," said the officer, "Did you happen to hear about the scene at the Vick place."

"That's where we're headed."

"Just terrible about those poor animals," he said, "Someone should kill that son of a bitch."

"Maybe we should get Billy to," I joked. He laughed aloud.

"Thanks for the autograph," he said, "I'll see you at the Vick place." He waved and drove away.
I looked at K-Ro and nodded. He nodded back. We both knew it was time to continue our journey, no matter how disturbing the scene might be. A homeless man was busily washing the windows of my limo as I slid in the back seat. K-Ro punched the dirty bastard hard in the kidney and threw him to the ground.

"Get the fuck away from the car, you piece of trash!" He yelled, giving him a kick. As he slid into the seat across from me, I could see the look of dread in his eyes. Like me, K-Ro is an animal lover, and neither of us were looking forward to what we were about to see.

"Let's go," I said to Danica, and we continued toward our destiny.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Decision Time

"So it was a non-story?" K-Ro asked as he continued folding and neatly stacking my freshly laundered underwear into a perfect facsimile of the shops and taverns that lined the trading district of the village in which I was raised. During his brief tenure as my personal assistant, K-Ro had learned, with astonishing precision, how to read my moods, and he was trying to cheer me up.

K-Ro could tell I was feeling low by the stoic, somewhat arrogantly self-confident countenance I displayed. It is an expression I learned and adopted after carefully studying my close friend Bill Clinton during one of our frequent trips to Fat Rosie's, Bill's favorite Bangkok bathhouse. It is the look of a man struggling with a difficult decision.

"I'm not sure, bro," I finally replied, "You've forgotten the Scientology temple in the square."

"Oh my, silly me!" He squealed, quickly and expertly erecting the temple with several stylish leopard-print bikini briefs. Perfection.

"But Snoop Dogg wasn't dead, right?" he asked, surveying his work.

"No, just baked, bro, really baked."

I had just returned that morning from investigating a hot lead. Police had found Snoop Dogg lying motionless on property belonging to former NFL superstar Mike Vick. Assuming he was deceased, EMTs transported Snoop to the morgue, only to have him re-animate after receiving a quart and a half of embalming fluid. The story seemed like a dead-end, but I wasn't convinced.

"My source tells me Vick is still in custody," I said, "There must be more to this story." I looked at K-Ro. He was staring at me anxiously awaiting orders.

"Tell Danica to bring the car around," I said. I had made my decision.

"We're going to the Vick mansion."

"Oh, goody!" K-Ro squealed.

"Oh, and K-Ro," I said, "There may be trouble, so bring your Iphone, just to be safe." His face melted with grave concern.

"Set it to 'stun'," I added, trying to reassure my faithful servant. At that moment, my own Iphone delivered a telepathic surge announcing an incoming call. It was my source at the LA county jail.

I turned from K-Ro to protect the identity of my source and whispered into the phone.


Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Sports Wrap-up

I arrived at LAX late Saturday afternoon. The flight was not unpleasant, aside from the usual small disturbances involving the Middle Eastern passengers, whom were beaten and bound, so as not to evoke fear from the fairer skinned travellers. I, being of dark hair and complexion, might have easily been mistaken for Arabic, yet I was allowed to go undisturbed, for, as one of the crew said to me, "Even if you are a terrorist, sir, to lose our lives to one so dashingly handsome and brilliant of mind would be an honor, not a tragedy." I assured the captain that I am a man of peace, unless you cross me, and all were safe in my presence.

Upon disembarking the aircraft I checked my cell; there were 842 unheard messages. It seems that my one night stand with Jessica Biel affected her more than I realized. "Damn," I said to myself, "Time to change my number again." I deleted the first couple of messages, but stopped on the third, hearing a male voice.

"Wow, sir, I can't tell you what an honor this is! My name's Pete Carroll and I coach the football team here at USC, uh, that's the University of Southern California, and my friend Will Ferrell gave me your number and said you'd be in town. I can't begin to tell you what an honor this is! Anyhoo, I was wondering if you'd do me the honor of giving the pre-game speech to my team this afternoon. I don't know, these kids seem to have lost focus a little and I can't think of anyone better to re-instill the winning attitude than you, sir."

Of course I would do it. There is nothing more rewarding in life than helping youngsters down the right path, and few things help people, both young and old, more than hearing me speak. I would have to put my original reason for being in the City of Angels, the Michael Vick story, on hold for awhile. I'm sure you're familiar with the Vick story of which I'm referring; that is the grand opening of Tasty Pit, the new Korean barbecue restaurant co-owned by Vick and the rapper DMX.

I called my new agent, Karl Rove (who I was able to lure away from his previous job with promises of unlimited power and intellectual stimulation), and told him to get me the gig.
K-Ro (pronounced "crow"), as he preferred to be called, informed me that kickoff was only a half hour away and he was sending a limo.

I arrived at the locker room ten minutes before kick-off, without a prepared speech but enthusiastic; these kids would remember this moment the rest of their lives and I would make it worth every second. I stood outside the door as Martha Stewart finished her warm-up set.

"Now remember, in order for my home recipe breath freshener to work, you have to take it at least thirty minutes after ingesting alcohol, but if used correctly, no police officer can detect the scent on you. Now get out there and kill those motherfuckers!"

The applause was deafening as Martha exited the locker room. She slipped her phone number in my shirt pocket and gave the international "call me" sign as she brushed past me. Before the noise died down I slipped through the door and stood before them. The din grew higher momentarily before my eyes told them to sit down, shut up, and listen.

"You're just boys. Pathetic little boys. Scared. This isn't a game. This is war. That's not a football team out there, it's the VC. It's Charlie. You're gonna go into their village, you're gonna rape their women, you're gonna kill their babies!" These kids were scared. I had em. "You're gonna do whatever you have to do to win this war!"

I turned to one kid, looked like the kicker,"You, you little puke, do you use steroids?"

"No sir, no!" he stammered.

"Why the hell not? You wanna be a fuckin loser?" I looked over at Coach Carroll; he had wet himself.

I kept it up for the next five minutes. When I finished, I looked the team over. It's amazing how much they had grown in the past few minutes. I knew they were ready.

"Okay, guys, teamwork and sportsmanship on three."

It's impossible to describe the sense of pride I felt watching those kids perform on the field of battle. Facing an opponent so strong, the mighty Vandals from the University of Idaho, those brave young men, children really, fought and scratched toward their collective destiny. The ultimate result: USC 38 Idaho 10. Only in Hollywood.

I walked out of the stadium, my feet barely touching the ground, and nearly ran over K-Ro.

"What up, bro?" I asked.

"Forget the restaurant opening," he said, "it's not happening. Mike Vick's in jail."


"Police found a body on his property," he said, "it was Snoop Dogg."

"Mother of God!" I said.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Busy Weekend

I awoke that Monday morning from a fitful half-sleep, my dreams infiltrated by a half-naked, all-stoned Lindsay Lohan begging me, over and over, to stop teasing her and chew her Bubblicious until it's soft enough for her to take without making her gums begin to bleed. I opened my eyes to wondrous relief; the supermodels I had acquired over the weekend were still sleeping soundly, their heads resting against my vast chest, which rippled even with my softest breath.

I met them, Annakannaa and Rosarita, the previous Saturday night while I dined with the former White House Senior Advisor Karl Rove and the renowned actor, Michael J. Fox. It turns out the ladies are fans of my writing, and had been searching for almost a month in random restaurants in the hopes of meeting and making athletic love to me. Their quest seemed like so much folly; they had never even seen a picture of me, but somehow they both knew that they would recognize me if they were lucky enough to catch a glimpse. They were right. The perfect masculinity that screams forth in my prose is personified in my touched by the angels countenance. They approached our table to the envy of every man and woman in the place. Mr. Rove even cast a jealous eye, but I'm not sure if it was because I had them or they had me. After introductions in their variations of broken English, I offered the ladies each a seat on either side of me, and we returned to our dinners.

The ladies stared dreamily at me as Michael J. Fox, Mr. Rove, and I continued our discussion about their new role lobbying for proposed legislation that would legalize, in some cases, embryonic stem cell research. The plan is to gather stem cells from embryos produced by intercourse between death-row inmates. The conservative argument is that these are not actual human lives, since they will only be created under strict regulation by the government, and it will allow death row inmates something to work toward, since they will only be allowed to participate in the program through exhibited good behavior.

"But wouldn't it be difficult to create enough embryos for the needed research, given the greater percentage of men on death row than women?" I asked Rove.

"That is true right now,"he replied, "But we are currently working on legislation at the states' level that would increase the penalties for certain crimes, like abortion."

"But since abortion is legal, wouldn't it be difficult to get the death penalty?" I asked.

"Murder is murder," he replied,"I think with the right juries we can use that angle to increase participation in the program. We are also looking at dog-fighting as a death penalty offense."

"That brings to mind another question, Mr. Rove. Is there any truth to the rumor that some of the embryos will be turned over to the military for the creation of a proposed 'clone army?'" I asked, "I only ask because you mentioned dog fighting, and it seems like Mike Vick would make a great Universal Soldier."

"I agree Mr. Vick would make a great Sci-Fi hero of any kind, but, no, there is no truth to that rumor. We simply believe that it would be easy to get the death penalty for people who mistreat animals. PETA is a powerful group." Rove said.

"But isn't there a concern that in making dog-fighting a death penalty offense, we might see an increase in the overall dog population? It has been my understanding that these dog-fighting operations, while illegal, are working to keep dog numbers in check," I pointed out, "Nobody wants another "dog-flu" scare."

"We are aware of the dangers," Rove replied, "According to Fox News, nearly two people have died worldwide from "dog-flu", one of whom had a friend whose neighbor once traveled to the US."

"That's scary," I shuddered.

"Yes," Rove said, "It's very close to home. That's why it is important to get this measure passed. This research is vital in finding a cure for this type of disease. And the CDC has already identified other potential pandemics that could affect this country in the near future, such as the "porcupine cold and cough" and the "chimpanzee sprained ankle"."

"Good God," I said, "The facts are horrifying."

"That's why making dog fighting a death row crime could be useful," Rove went on, "With sexy celebrities like Mike Vick involved, more women are likely to be arrested in dog fight raids. And we really could use more females on death row."

"So the number one concern for the program is getting more women involved?" I asked.

"Yes, I would say so," Rove replied, "With such a disparity in numbers, the male inmates are already grumbling about sloppy seconds."

"Men on death row are worried about sloppy seconds?" I asked.

"That's right," he said, "they're a cleaner people than you might think."

I looked at Michael J. Fox and he seemed to be nodding. Or shaking his head. Or both, I really couldn't tell. Rove was definitely a man of vision. It seemed that the liberals and conservatives had finally found some common ground. I had my story and my 32 ounce steak was gone, so I took a girl under each arm and excused myself. As we were walking out of the restaurant I felt a tiny, soft hand grasp my shoulder. Instinctively, I twirled around, extracting myself from the girls' embraces and extending a powerful arm toward my attacker, firmly clutching him vise-like by the throat. It was Rove.

"I-I'm sorry," he gasped, "You forgot your notes." I quickly released him and he handed me my notebook.

"My apologies," I said, mildly embarrassed, "You startled me." I found myself somewhat impressed that he was still conscious. Lesser men have been rendered comatose by my hand. But this bald, pudgy, troll-like little man was unharmed.

"You know, Karl," I said, handing him my business card, "I've been looking for a new assistant. Someone to help with my schedule, perhaps do some light housework and gardening. Occasionally I drink vast amounts of alcohol and ingest large quantities of narcotics and sometimes I may soil myself, wherein you would need to undress and clean me before seeing me to bed. The usual stuff, but I haven't found the right person. If the lobbying gig doesn't work out, give me a call."

"Hmm," Rove said, "How much does it pay?"

"The salary is modest," I answered, "more than the Guatemalan cook but less than the Chinese masseuse. But what I can offer you is unlimited power and intellectual stimulation. And your own parking space. Plus, your room will have Dish Network. It's the basic package, but if after ninety days your job performance is satisfactory, we'll look at getting you HBO."

Rove stood silently for a moment, lost in thought. He looked back at the table where Michael J. Fox sat alone. Then, looking back to me, he extended his hand.

"You've got yourself an assistant," he said, as he gestured back to Fox, "I am sure he can handle the lobbying by himself. But I fear he may have a drinking problem."

"I didn't want to mention it," I said, "His head seemed to be spinning all evening." I looked at Fox and shook my head.

"Oh well," I said, "Welcome aboard!"

We shook hands enthusiastically and parted ways. I had a feeling about Rove. The little man had spunk. As I rode with the ladies back to my estate, my thoughts were elsewhere. It felt as though a new chapter was opening in my life, and I knew Rove would be the catalyst that would help me along my path toward creating the greatest story ever written.


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