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Monday, October 8, 2007

Go Time

The following is a series of eyewitness accounts taken at the scene from the Vick mansion, where 5,000 toy poodle, and one labradoodle, carcasses were discovered this morning. What you're about to hear is not for the faint of heart.

Karl Rove (K-Ro): "In all my years in politics and public service, I have never witnessed such useless carnage and brutality. It looked like someone gave Dick Cheney an automatic weapon on the first day of dove season, only instead of his friends, it was tiny dogs that were shot."

Paris Hilton: "Tinkerbell? Tinkerbell?"

Mel Gibson: "I think the exact number of deaths has been greatly exaggerated. I'm not saying the doglocaust didn't happen, but does anyone absolutely know the real story?"

President Bush: "The media tends to focus on the negative aspects of this story. If you talk to the dogs on the grounds, you will find that they believe in what they're doing, and progress is being made. What do you mean dogs can't talk? Haven't you ever seen The Family Guy?"

Barack Obama: "I'm not going to say we should or shouldn't take military action against Mr. Vick. This is about dogs, right? You realize I'm the first black candidate to actually have a legitimate shot at the presidency, right? Isn't there a war going on?"

Britney Spears: "I can't believe someone would do this to their dogs. I would never let this kind of thing happen to my two little puppies. Where are my puppies? Has anyone seen my puppies? Oh, they're over playing by the pool, they'll be okay."

O.J. Simpson: "Look, I wasn't even in town last night, okay?"

John Denver: "Dammit, where's my beer? Holy shit, mayday mayday!"

As for myself, I could only stand in horror, my faith in mankind shaken. That someone could be capable of such brutality spoke more about our country's lack of morality than I've ever realized. The story had to be told, and I knew there was more to the story that I would have to discover. My journey was just beginning. I turned to my agent/assistant.


"Yes, sir?"

I didn't even have to say anything more. The look in my eyes told him all he needed to know. It was go time.

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